


Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is

by Ischa



Series: Midnight Land [11]
Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship, Gym Class Heroes, Panic At The Disco, The Academy Is...
Genre: Bloodplay, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-19
Updated: 2011-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-22 20:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/242268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ischa/pseuds/Ischa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Travis just doesn’t understand how Gabe can be cool with William fucking around, and that William says it’s just Ryan and Ryan is just different, doesn’t make it better in his eyes. Besides everyone seems to say that about Ryan, Travis just can’t see how Ryan is different.</p><p><i>“Just spare your breath, he doesn’t understand,” comes Ryan’s voice from the door to the restroom. Travis feels trapped now.<br/>“I understand love, Ross.”<br/>“No, you just understand the common concept of it,” Ryan says. Such big words, Travis thinks. But he knows that Ryan is a fucking walking thesaurus.<br/>“There is nothing wrong with the common concept, a lot of people are okay with it,” Travis answers, using Ryan’s words against him.<br/>“No, it’s not, but it’s not the only one out there. Just because it’s not common doesn’t mean it’s not right.” Ryan says, Brendon closes his eyes and leans into Ryan as he comes closer. It’s so fucking surreal to have this conversation in a fucking restroom, Travis thinks.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is

**Title:** Welcome to nowhere and finding out where it is  
 **Pairing:** Gabe/William, William/Ryan, Ryan/his band (and all the other parings that are out there in the Midnight land verse)  
 **Rating:** PG-13  
 **Summary:** Travis just doesn’t understand how Gabe can be cool with William fucking around, and that William says it’s just Ryan and Ryan is just different, doesn’t make it better in his eyes. Besides everyone seems to say that about Ryan, Travis just can’t see how Ryan is different.  
 **Warning(s):** vampires, angst, mentions of sex and blood play (the usual suspects), also this whole thing is about Travis  
 **Author’s Notes:** Title stolen from Shinedown’s song In Memory. As usually can be read on its own, but makes more sense with the rest of [Midnight Land.](http://community.livejournal.com/nur_luegen/4743.html)  
 **Word Count:** 9.282  
 **Beta:** tygermine  
 **Disclaimer:** Don’t know, don’t own, not real.

\---  
~1~  
“I saw William yesterday…” Travis says, he isn’t sure how he wants to end that sentence, but Gabe is his friend and Gabe and William are, well… together would be the word. Even if Travis doesn’t really understand it, because Gabe fucking loves girls. (Ha, loves fucking girls too.)

“Yeah?” Gabe asks, he is watching the smoke of his joint. It’s a good thing that they’re smoking up right now, because it dulls the edges cutting into Travis.

“With Ryan,” Travis answers, not looking at Gabe.

“Oh,” Gabe says and Travis thinks that he doesn’t sound surprised at all.

“I mean, I saw Ryan with William, like…”

“I know what you mean,” Gabe interrupts him.

“You know about this?” Travis asks a bit surprised. He should have known that Gabe would knew, Gabe is not an idiot after all.

“Sure.”

“And you’re okay with it?” Travis asks.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Because Travis as hell would be not okay with his girlfriend (if he would have one right now) fucking around. And he knows for sure that Gabe wasn’t so keen on letting his girlfriends do it either. So why should it be okay now?

“Because it’s Ryan. He’s…” it seems like Gabe is looking for the right word for a moment and then settles on: “Different.”

“Different?” Travis asks. Gabe nods, passing him the joint.  
What the hell, Travis thinks. Because, really, what the hell?

~+~  
A few days later he sees Ryan with his band, well, just Jon and Brendon. He wondered where Spencer was for a minute, but then just let that thought go and focused on the scene in front of him. He just went out to smoke a cigarette and well, soak up the warm sun or something and there they stood. Ryan leaning against a tall tree, a cigarette between his fingers and Jon a bit to the side; looking through the lens of his ever present camera (and thank god for that stupid thing, because without Jon there wouldn’t be that much blackmail material at all), and Brendon sitting on the grass; leaning against Ryan’s legs. Brendon said something Travis couldn’t catch from where he was standing, and when Ryan leaned down to kiss his hair, Brendon had smiled, his eyes closed. Suddenly Ryan looked up like he had sensed Travis presence. He looked directly at Travis and Travis had shivered for a second in the warm sun. Then Ryan had smiled and Travis waved and smiled back, before he took another lung full of smoke.

He wonders now about that one afternoon. He wonders about what he had really seen. Because he had seen nothing, nothing out of the ordinary at all. They were always like this. They were like this when he was on tour with them and Gabe’s band and William, who is fucking Ryan Ross. (God!) And there was nothing, nothing that betrayed that there might be something else going one, but the look Ryan gave him. That one look that made him shiver, feel cold to the bone and just feel hunted for that one second. He was afraid; he can admit it to himself. He was afraid, he doesn’t know why or of what or whom, but he was.

~+~  
“He is…” Travis begins and Frank nods. As if he knows exactly what Travis is thinking. He ran into Frank at that stupid tiny bar in one of these stupid tiny back alleys you should never use at night in that neighbourhood. He always was stupid like that and so it seems, was Frank. But Frank is a fucking Jersey boy, so he gets away with doing stupid shit like that. He is on his seventh tequila already and maybe it’s a bad idea to spill all his thoughts here and with Frank, but maybe it’s the best thing that could happen to him. Who knows?

“Different,” Frank spits the word out like it has a bad taste.

“That’s what Gabe said,” Travis answers and downs another shot.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Travis says, he’s looking at the ceiling, because he doesn’t want to see Frank’s face right now, he just knows that it wouldn’t be pretty.

“Doesn’t it…make you wonder why he is sleeping with Ryan Ross?” Frank asks.

“Who?”

“Beckett,” Frank says; lightning up a cigarette.

“He is not my boyfriend,” Travis says and it’s the first time he uses that term at all.

“Yeah, he isn’t. But don’t you wonder why the whole world is going gay for fucking Ross?” Frank asks. Yeah, Travis thinks, because fucking yeah, he is wondering about that. A lot. He heard the rumours about Ross and Gerard.

“So, Ross and Way? That true?”

Frank laughs, but it doesn’t sound amused at all. “Yeah, it is.”

“You jealous?” Travis wants to know.

“Wouldn’t you be?” Frank asks back, letting smoke out of his lungs. Travis itches for one cigarette too.

“Give me one,” he says while he is thinking about what to say next. Frank does, lights it up, and hands it over. “I fucking would.” He says, Frank nods. “But I’m not gay, so…”

Frank shrugs.” I’m just gay for Way,” he says and Travis notices he doesn’t mention either brother by name. He wonders briefly about the other rumours, about Frank and Mikey, but he really doesn’t want to know about that shit.  
It’s not his business anyway. And besides he has his own band he has to care about. He can’t get involved in this shit as well.  
“Man, sometimes I think, you are the only sane person I know.” Frank says after a while.

“You know Bob, motherfucker.” Travis answers and Frank laughs.

“True,” Frank admits with a short nod, he pours them another drink and lights a new cigarette.

~+~  
Something about William is just different. Travis begins to hate that word, because it sums up things so well, without telling him what the hell it is that it sums up so well. And Gabe just doesn’t seem to care, also he has the feeling that Gabe is lying to him, even if he is not. He can’t really name that feeling. Everybody who might know something is just dodging the questions. Travis knows that he sits in the same boat as Frank. Because Frank doesn’t know either. They are not close enough to know, but they are close enough to suspect, to know that something isn’t like it should be.  
Sometimes, there are these quiet moments when something grabs at Travis, at his heart and well, his libido as well, hangs on for a heartbeat and then it’s gone. And when he shakes it off, he sees that the others do as well. Everyone does it, well, except William and maybe Siska, even when he seems to feel it as well. He throws a stern look at William who has the good grace to blush a light shade of pink. It looks fucking cute, but he always had a soft spot for Bill.  
That’s just how this is, he never gave it much more thought. Random horniness is nothing new for them, being guys and mostly single. The strange thing about this is that it seems to grab them all at the same time. And that maybe Bill is the source of it. But that could be just his foggy brain talking – he is so stupidly drunk again.

~+~  
“So, you’re fucking William, Ross?” Travis asks, he is sharing a cigarette with him outside that stupid club they went to with Pete.

“Aren’t we blunt tonight?” Ross asks back, he looks a bit pissed and a bit amused. He was such a pissy little bitch when Travis met him all those years ago, the time with William seems to have improved his character. Fuck, he thinks.

Travis shrugs. “You know me.”

“Yeah, I do,” Ryan says nodding; he takes another drag of his cigarette and keeps it a bit too long in his lungs. He coughs it out. “Fuck, if I know how he does that!” he mutters. And Travis just knows he is talking about Gerard.

“So, are you?” Travis asks again. The whisky did him some good after all.

“Actually he fucks me. Even if it’s none of your business.”

“It is, because you know Gabe is my friend and you are fucking his boyfriend.”

“I’m also fucking Frank’s and Bob never gave me the fucking speech,” Ryan answers in that unnerving ton that betrays nothing of what he feels. Travis is thinking about how the fuck such a dispassionate boy can make them all….well, whatever he is doing.

“Hey, here you are,” Brendon says from a few steps away and Ryan looks up from the pavement at him. The smile, Travis can only see in profile, he gives Brendon, is blinding.

“Just came out for a smoke,” Ryan answers, his voice sounds soft. Just like he would talk to a bunny, or something ridiculously cute and fluffy, to not scare it away.

“Spencer wants to go home,” Brendon says, he is still standing a few steps away, his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“Okay, I’m coming.” Ryan answers, throws the half smoked cigarette away, nods a goodbye at Travis and catches up with Brendon. Brendon nudges him and Ryan leans down to whisper something into his ear, Travis is sure Brendon’s carefree laugh can be heard miles away.

~+~  
“It’s not what you think,” William says a bit huffy. Disashi told him that he just should shut the fuck up about it, but he couldn’t and that’s why he is here, now, cornering William (and Bill is his friend for fuck’s sake) demanding answers. (Even if he knows that he has nothing to demand here, because it really is none of his business.)

“Ryan admitted it, he said you are fucking.” Travis says, his hand is around William’s wrist. His skin chilly as ever. Like he is never really warm or something: He lets the thought go and focuses on William again.

“It’s Ryan and besides Gabe knows.”

“Doesn’t make it right.” Travis says, because that’s what he believes. It’s not right, because he knows for sure that Gabe is not fucking around, not since they are going steady, or something, what with William fucking Ryan.

“You don’t know a thing about this.” William answers, and Travis knows him, knows that he is trying to stay calm.

“It would be, maybe, when Gabe could fuck whoever he wants too, but he doesn’t. You on the other hand are fucking around.”

“I’m not! It’s just Ryan!” William says sharply, looking directly at Travis. Travis’ hand on his writs tightens, it’s not a conscious gesture. He is getting irritated too.

“It doesn’t make it right.”

“You don’t understand,” William says and then. “Let go of my hand.”  
Travis looks at his fingers around that pale wrist and then lets go, the skin looks red and a bit bruised.

“Sorry,” Travis says, stepping away and looking into William’s face. He breathes in and out to calm himself.

“It’s not what you think, okay? I…it’s just…Ryan is different.”

“Everyone keeps saying that, I just don’t see why,” Travis answers.

“Lucky you,” Gabe says from behind him and Travis turns around. The sun blinds him for a second until he can refocus on Gabe’s features.

“Gabe…”

“What were you doing to my boyfriend?” Gabe asks, he sounds teasing, but Travis knows him, knows that he is irritated.

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” William says softly and Gabe looks from Travis to Bill.

“I know that,” he says. “You coming?” he adds then, nodding into the direction of his car.

“Yeah,” William says, passing Travis by.  
For a moment Travis feels something harsh and sweet, and dangerously close to blind lust for William and Gabe laughs out loud, saying ‘William’ in a mild chiding voice. Travis doesn’t hear William’s answer. He takes out his cigarettes and lights one up. He really needs to get a grip on his nerves again. What the fuck? Really.

~+~  
They aren’t seeing each other that often, what with them all touring, but sometimes their paths cross, so to say and he finds himself with Gerard in a comic store.

“Still kinda can’t believe it’s my comic book,” Gerard says, looking at the new issue of Umbrella Academy. Travis knows how he feels, because fuck if he knows how exactly he was dragged into doing that exhibition. (He supposes there was pot and alcohol involved and Pete took advantage of the situation. And him.)  
He turns around and smiles at Travis and Travis knows that he should shut the fuck up about it, but he can’t.

“So…you and Ryan?” he asks, Gerard nods, looking at him curiously, waiting for him to grow the balls to continue. He is clutching his coffee with one hand and looking for his cigarettes with the other.

“Let’s go outside for a smoke,” he says as he finds them. Travis nods.

  
He passes Travis his cup and takes out his cigarettes, lights up and takes a deep breath. Then demands his coffee back.

“You know he’s sleeping with William too?” Travis asks.

“Yeah…” Travis thinks Gerard seems kinda happy about it. He just can’t understand why.

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” he demands to know. Because really. What. The. Fuck.

“Nothing. What is wrong with you? Don’t you see that it’s good for him?”

“For who?”

“Ryan.” Gerard says, taking another drag from his cigarette, Travis pulls out his own. He needs the support here. Because clearly they are all mad as fucking rabbits. And he’s too pissed off to wonder why anyone would say rabbits are mad. How can you be mad when all you do all day is fuck?

“This is not about Ryan, this is about you and Frank, and Gabe and William and…”  
Gerard interrupts him with the hand thing he does when he is irritated.

“You really have no idea. This is about Ryan. Maybe for Gabe it’s about William, but for William it’s about Ryan, he needs Ryan. Like Brendon does, like Spencer, Jon, me…and Ryan…”

“Are you in love with him?” Travis asks, and he sounds surprised, he is surprised.

“Why else would I be sleeping with him?” Gerard asks, he sounds so childlike and Travis can’t believe he didn’t see it before, that Gerard needs to love someone in order to have sex with him, that he needs a relationship. That he is a fucking penguin or something.

“No fucking clue. Because he’s hot or something, not that I can see that,” Travis answers irritated.

“They need each other. It’s just that simple…with Ryan it’s just…”

“Oh, if you say ‘different’ I will scream,” Travis interrupts him and Gerard laughs.

“You need to stop worrying. Everything is okay.”

“How can it be….?” Travis asks quietly.

“Relationships are just things between people who love each other. There was never a rule to love just one person. Besides, monogamy is such a bourgeois concept,” Gerard says.  
He sounds so damn reasonable. Fuck Gerard and his quest to make the world a better place and people to be understanding, caring creatures and shit.

“Fuck you,” he says.

“No, I don’t think so,” Gerard answers laughing and Travis laughs too. He really likes that motherfucker. Honestly.

~+~  
“So, you bothered Gerard now too, hmm?”

“You said you were fucking him as well…” Travis answers. He’s sitting on the grass under a tree, they will play two gigs together and then go their separate ways again. He wasn’t too keen to play with Panic. He isn’t too keen having fucking Ryan Ross around him, who is making him go crazy and not in a good way. (Like hot girls do.)

“Well, yeah, but it doesn’t give you the right to question him about his relationships – or mine.” Ryan answers, letting smoke out of his lungs, really slowly. Travis stares at his lips for a second before they curl into a smile. Gotcha, he can almost hear Ryan smirk in his mind. Fuck, he thinks, taking another drag from his own cigarette.

“Maybe,” Travis admits.

“Is it because you want to fuck Gabe yourself?” Ryan asks. Travis chokes on the smoke.

“Fuck no!” He eventually wheezes out.

“Hmmm…William then?” Ryan guesses.

“No, I don’t want to fuck either of them. I’m straight.”

“Yeah, so are they,” Ryan answers.

“You think you know everything, don’t you?” Travis asks sharply.

“No, I don’t. And you don’t know either. So just let it go. It’s good the way it is now,” Ryan says throwing the bud of his cigarette away and abandoning Travis.

~+~  
“You really need to chill,” Disashi says.  
Travis hates Disashi right fucking now. Because Disashi is in his band and he should support all of Travis’ crazy ideas. That’s his fucking job. And he tells Disashi just that. “My job, my friend, is to play the fucking guitar for you and to keep you out of trouble, and I’m doing the latter right now.”  
He pours a new drink and puts it in front of Travis. Travis battles for a few seconds with himself before he pushes it aside.

“I need to be sober,” He says causing Disashi to sigh in a very put upon manner.

“I don’t want to have any part of this. So I’m going to chat up that red head and give you one seriously stern look.”

“You do that,” Travis replies with a smile.

Ryan is resting his head on Spencer’s shoulder and Jon is talking loudly and gesturing around while Brendon nods excitedly. Travis thinks that Jon is a bit high already. He wishes he were too. He knows he is behaving like a total creep, he just needs to know what the fuck it is with Ross. Frank said that he was different, but Frank doesn’t seem to be too keen on Ross anyway. What with Gerard sleeping with him. Travis can understand that. Still, he didn’t think Frank would be like this, would just allow it to continue. Frank doesn’t seem the sharing kind, but on the other hand, what the hell does Travis know?

  
“You just can’t let it be, hmm?” Brendon asks. Travis looks up from the sink and into the mirror where Brendon looks a bit stern, it looks kinda funny on Brendon. He keeps silent and Brendon leans against the wall, sighing. “You know…we…”

“I know that you are fucking each other,” Travis says.

“That’s not what this is about,” Brendon replies surprisingly earnest.

“What is it then?” Travis wants to know.

“It’s about love,” Brendon answers.

“The fuck, Brendon.”

“Just spare your breath, he doesn’t understand,” comes Ryan’s voice from the door to the restroom. Travis feels trapped now.

“I understand love, Ross.”

“No, you just understand the common concept of it,” Ryan says. Such big words, Travis thinks. But he knows that Ryan is a fucking walking thesaurus.

“There is nothing wrong with the common concept, a lot of people are okay with it,” Travis answers, using Ryan’s words against him.

“No, it’s not, but it’s not the only one out there. Just because it’s not common doesn’t mean it’s not right.” Ryan says, Brendon closes his eyes and leans into Ryan as he comes closer. It’s so fucking surreal to have this conversation in a fucking restroom, Travis thinks. Travis can’t argue that. It’s true after all. He uses the same argument when it comes to homophobia or other shit that is just wrong in the world he lives in, after all.

“You look pale,” Brendon whispers and Travis looks from Ryan’s face to Brendon, who is playing with the hem of Ryan’s shirt.

“I didn’t eat,” Ryan answers with a smile.

“Fuck you! I thought you did with Spencer!” Brendon answers sharply. Travis is totally lost here, he has no idea what the fuss is all about now.

“I was busy.”

“Doing what?” Brendon wants to know.

“Other things…Brendon…I…”

“Shut the fuck up and come back with me,” Brendon says and grabs his hand, he looks fierce. Ryan lets him. Travis knows that Ryan lets him; that he could just yank his hand away and leave Brendon there. But he doesn’t, because Brendon is worried, and Ryan, it seems to Travis, is sorry.

“Okay…” Ryan says.

For a minute Travis feels a wave of heat and it seems to come from Ryan.  
“Fuck!” he says before he can stop himself. Brendon freezes in the door.

“Ryan?” his voice sounds small and questioning.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say that,” Brendon answers and that’s the last thing he hears before the door is closed.

~2~  
“Okay, what’s the deal with William?” Travis asks. Gabe looks up on the ceiling.

“What do you mean?” He asks, Travis knows him and he knows that Gabe is just pretending he doesn’t know what Travis is talking about.

“What is the deal with Ryan then?”

“I still don’t know what the hell you are talking about,” Gabe answers.

“You know exactly what I am talking about. Ryan and William they are…”

“Fucking?”

“Yes, that too, but that is not what I am talking about. They are doing things to people…it’s like…like…fucked up hypnotising or something.”

“Oh, please,” Gabe says and Travis thinks, that ass.

“Fine.”

~+~  
“You know Brent said the same thing…” Brendon says softly.

“About what?”

“The hypnotising thing. Brent said it too,” He is sitting on the sofa, curled up into a ball of Brendon shaped misery. “I think he wants you,” He whispers.

“Who?”

“Ryan.”

“I, the fuck. This is not about what Ryan wants,” How does he always find himself in these kinds of situations? This is absurd. What the hell is Brendon even doing here, it’s the last day they are playing together and they have just a few hours until sound check and he is here and talking to Brendon about Ryan. He thinks he has talked enough about Ryan.

“It always is about what Ryan wants, for me at least,” Brendon says and he sounds honest and kind of happy about it.

“You’re sleeping with Gerard too, aren’t you?” Travis asks, because he fucking knows that kind of thing, he knows it. Brendon nods.

“Just to keep him sane…” Brendon answers. Travis isn’t sure what to make of that answer, only that it answers questions he didn’t even have and poses far too many new questions. He really should just mind his own business.

“I really don’t want to know anymore. Forget I asked.”

“Liar,” Brendon says in the same moment someone knocks on the door of the tour bus. Travis is glad, because maybe it is - who the fuck cares, he is glad, because he doesn’t have to continue this conversation with Brendon.

“Ryan...” he says, Ryan ignores him and squeezes in, looking at Brendon.

“Here you are.”

“I told Jon, I knew you would find me,” Brendon says.

“What the fuck, Brendon?”

“I know you want him.” Brendon indicates to Travis, whose eyes grow rapidly to the size of dinner plates.

“I don’t,” Ryan answers.

“Don’t lie to me!” Brendon says, sharply, he seems on the verge of tears and Travis really can’t deal with that. He doesn’t know what to do.

“I could feel it…in the restroom yesterday.”

“And now you are here to do what?” Ryan asks, Travis really would like to know that too. Because honestly what the fuck is Brendon thinking?

“What I did for you already,” Brendon says. Ryan sighs.

“With Gerard, it was different with Gerard, it is different with Gerard…I needed him,” Ryan says and Travis knows he kinda hates to admit it, especially in front of Travis.

“Ryan.”

“No, listen. I needed him and you knew that and he needed me, needed us and you knew that too, so you helped us both, but this. This is not what I want, it’s not what McCoy wants. It’s not like it was with Gerard, or how it is with William.”

“I’m not talking about William, he is…he is like you. I know you need him. I know you want Gerard, I know you love him, I know that you want Travis.”

“I don’t. I don’t want him like that.” Ryan says. Brendon lays his head on his knees and closes his eyes, like is he thinking. Travis is still at the door, it’s closed now, but he just can’t be near Ryan now. He seems…there is the hypnosis again.

“You’re both doing it, whatever the hell it is,” He points out.

“He doesn’t do it on purpose, neither does William for that matter,” Brendon mumbles.

“What the hell is he doing?”

“It’s because he is angry with me.”

“I’m not angry with you Brendon,” Ryan says sharply and betrays his own words.

“Right, and he didn’t eat,” Brendon answers. Travis doesn’t know what it is with this eating thing, but it seems kinda important.

“Would you feel better, if I sleep with him?” Ryan asks.

“Hello?! I’m in the fucking room!” Travis says, because he has had enough of this. He wants them out. He doesn’t want to know anything.

“Maybe,” Brendon answers as sharply as Ryan’s own words were.

“Brendon!”

“Fuck you! I told you, you could have everything you desire! I told you and I mean it!”

“I know! But I don’t want you to, I don’t want you to sacrifice everything for me. I want you to…”

“What?”

“Keep me…close. I don’t want to share anymore, not with anyone else. I want to stay with you and Spencer and Jon and I want to be able to have Gerard and William when I need him or he needs me, because you know it’s not like this with him. I don’t love him…not like that. He is…” he seems at a loss for words.

“Family.” Brendon supplies.

“Yes, family.” Ryan says and leans against a wall.

“Okay,” Brendon says, looking up.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” he says to Travis and Travis just nods, he feels emotionally drained even if he didn’t do much talking here.

“Let’s go back,” Ryan says and Brendon nods getting up.

~+~  
“Heard about you getting involved with Ross,” Gabe says, sitting down on the couch. He has the after show high and is dripping with sweat.

“You could have showered before coming,” Travis says. He asks himself why the hell he didn’t go out with the rest of his band.

“Nah, you love me, you know it,” Gabe says, grabbing a bottle of water from the table and waving it around before he takes a sip.

“It was a fucking nightmare. Those boys have more problems than a small African country,” Travis answers. Gabe laughs out loud.

“Tell me fucking all about it.”

“I do, aren’t you listening?”

“Aren’t I always?”

“Not sure…” Travis says, sitting down on the couch. Gabe passes him the bottle. “Thanks.”

“This is so fucking crazy.”

“You have no idea,” Gabe says.

“Lucky me,” Travis answers taking a sip from the bottle.

“Lucky you.”

~+~  
He notices the bruises around Gabe’s wrist on the third day that The Academy joins the tour.

“What did you do?” he asks, he doesn’t really care, but it just caught his eye.

Gabe shrug’s and leers. “William,” He answers.

“I wish you wouldn’t tell me this shit.”

“Then don’t ask the question, you moron,” Gabe answers.

“I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“Whatever lets you sleep at night.”

“I can tell you in detail what doesn’t,” Gabe answers laughing.

“Oh, fuck you!”

“You wish.”

Travis laughs. He just can’t help it.  
It was always easy to get along with Gabe. Him fucking William doesn’t change a thing.

~+~  
William, it seems to Travis, is calmer now too. He doesn’t seem to radiate whatever he was radiating before. He isn’t sure if it is because of Ryan. Maybe, maybe it’s because he is fucking Gabe, finally.  
The fact remains that he is calmer, happier and that Gabe seems happier too. That fucking Ryan Ross was right, as was Gerard. This thing they are having, however twisted it might seem, it’s good for them.

“Thinking deep thoughts?” William asks beside him. Travis nods, he didn’t even hear William approaching, how fucking weird. “Can I have one?” he adds, and Travis passes his cigarettes and the lighter. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“So what were you brooding about?”

“Ross,” Travis says and adds silently ‘you’.

“And?”

“He is okay, I guess.”

“He is,” William says.

“I still don’t get it.”

“Just because you…don’t know how it feels to be with him.”

“I have no desire to find out either,” Travis answers letting smoke out of his lungs.

“Does this bother you?”

“What?”

“Me and Gabe,” William says, his voice soft.

“Fuck you! You know it doesn’t.”

“Yeah….”

“Hey, William?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did Brent leave Panic?”

“The same reason Tom left us,” William says.

“So, you did things to him, like Ryan did to Brent?”

“No…it’s more like…Brent left because of who Ryan was, and Tom left because of who I was.”

Travis thinks that this doesn’t make any sense, except where it totally does.  
“And you are the same?”

“No…obviously we are not.”

“Fuck,” Travis says with feeling, laying his head on his knees and closing his eyes.

“I guess…”

“Yeah, I know. It’s ‘different’ again.”

“It really is,” William answers, stroking his shoulder. It feels nice, he leans in and William hugs him. Travis can feel his chilly body under the worn out t-shirt.

“Ryan is always cold too,” he mumbles against William’s shoulder.

“I know,” William answers.

~+~  
Charisma is one thing, Travis thinks, but what William is doing with the crowd is on a completely different page. The thing is that Ryan isn’t doing it. So maybe it is just stupid to do it, to not be able to let this stuff go. And Gabe would laugh about him, or maybe Gabe would not. Because Travis can remember the time Gabe was obsessing about William and mumbling about losing his fucking groove. Maybe Gabe would not. But this is nothing he can discuss with Gabe anyway, because Gabe is protecting the secret. And when the hell did it became a secret anyway?

~+~  
The bruise on Gabe’s neck is small but really vivid and Travis wouldn’t think anything of it, because of course Gabe had some hot action last night with his boyfriend, but that thing looks a bit suspicious, not really like a hicky more like a bite.

“Do I want to know?” he asks, as they’re sitting outside, drinking water and eating a few fries, because that’s the only vegan food Gabe could find in this goddamned place.

“No, you definitely don’t,” Gabe answers with his leer in place. It feels fake, it’s not that Travis doesn’t believe him. It’s just this bruise is something else. And has nothing to do with sex.

“William?”

“Who else?” Gabe answers.

Travis shrugs. He remembers the time he was fucking William and other people, but never other boys.  
“You just gay for him?” Travis wants to know, playing with the bottle.

“What’s with all the questions?”

“You’re my friends…”

“Does this bother you?” Gabe asks, looking at him. Travis can feel his gaze on his skin. He doesn’t turn around to look at Gabe, just stares in front of him.

“It doesn’t,” Travis answers, because it’s not like Gabe thinks it does. It does, but just because he is missing them. Like they were before, even if William seems better, calmer.

“But?”

“No buts,” Travis answers, taking out his cigarettes, he has lost his appetite. He feels like he’s looking inside from outside. It’s fucking weird.

“I know you.”

“I thought I knew you too,” Travis answers without thinking. Shit, he thinks.

“It does bother you.”

“Not that you are fucking guys,” Travis says, still looking ahead.

“Just that it’s William,” Gabe answers and Travis nods, he doesn’t want to lie. Gabe is doing enough of this for both of them. Gabe keeps silent, Travis knows that he isn’t mad, because they know each other. “Are you feeling left out?” He asks after a few minutes.

“No, maybe,” He says, because yeah, he is. But he isn’t sure in which way exactly. It’s all so stupid.

“It’s because we have this thing…”

“It’s a secret. You are protecting William’s secret and it’s okay,” He says, because it kind of is, he would have done the same thing.

“Yeah,” Gabe admits. Maybe, Travis thinks, maybe he has had enough of secrets as well.

“We should go back, I guess they want to be on the road again soon.”

“Wanna come over later?”

“Nah, you can fuck your boyfriend. Say hi for me,” Travis says getting up.

“That’s kinda kinky.” Gabe answers.

“That’s how special I am,” Travis replies with a grin and gets one in return.

~+~  
“Hey, it’s Brendon,” Brendon says and all Travis can think about is, where the hell did he get this number?

“Who gave you the number?”

“Pete,” Brendon answers, Travis can hear him roll his eyes.

“Of course,” fucking Pete fucking Wentz. He really needs to give Pete the refresher lecture about NOT giving out personal information to people, especially fellow labelmates.

“So, listen. I’m sorry I was so out of it…the last time.”

“It’s been weeks, Brendon,” Travis says.

“Still, I’m sorry,” Brendon answers.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s really not. I was a stupid shit and I’m sorry I dragged you into all this mess and that I made a scene in your bus and that…”

“Yeah, I know, I was there.” Travis interrupts him.

“I just wanted you to know and that you know it’s totally worth it.” Brendon says, Travis is at a loss here – again. Fucking Panic at the fucking Disco. Honestly, he can understand My Chem dissing them now.

“I guess…”

“You will see. Oh, and I’m sorry for accusing you of wanting to sleep with Ryan…it’s just because, everyone kinda loves him,” Brendon adds.

“Right.”

“Okay.”

“Bye Brendon,” Travis says and puts his phone under the sofa cushion. He needs a new number. He can not be a therapist for those kids, it will eat him alive. Also he needs to yell at Pete.

~+~  
“I heard about Brendon,” Gabe says. Travis doesn’t even wonder anymore.

“William told you?”

“Yeah.”

“Gabe?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you okay with it?” He asks again.

“Because William needs him, he can’t do…stuff with me.”

“Like what?”

“Like stuff…” Gabe answers with a hand motion that could mean anything, but really means sex.

“I thought you are fucking like rabbits.”

“We are, but there are things I can’t do for him.”

“And so he goes to Ryan? That’s fucked up.” Travis answers, wondering where Gabe’s kink line is that William wants to step over it, with Ryan.

“It’s really not from the inside.”

“If you say so.”

“Trust me with this.”

“Like with the Cobra?” Travis asks, Gabe laughs out loud.

“You know I’m fucking right about this shit.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

~+~  
Ran caught him staring at the bruise on Brendon’s neck. It looks exactly like the one he saw a few weeks ago on Gabe’s.

“You did that?” He asks, even if he knows the answer.

“Yeah…”

“He likes that?”

“He does.”

“And William?”

Ryan looks at him sharply for a minute and then smiles. A very small smile. “He is different. We don’t…” he says and then just undoes his scarf, there is a bruise there, it looks like Gabe’s, like Brendon’s.

“Ah…he does it to you.” Travis says, Ryan nods.

“Because I need him to.”

“But you don’t love him.”

“I’m not in love with him.” Ryan corrects.

Of course it’s not the same. Travis nods. He knows all about that too.

  
“I saw you talking to Ryan,” Gabe says, handing him a drink.

“He showed me his war injuries. Look exactly like your’s.” Travis says. Gabe looks at him.

“We have the same battles, I guess…”

“No, you really don’t.”

“Travie?”

“Hmmm?”

“What the fuck?”

“I don’t know.” He says, but it fucking well feels a bit like jealousy he thinks. Over the months he saw them, it just grew. And now, now Ryan showed him how it could be, Travis is sure of this. That little scheming shit.

“What did he say?”

“Nothing I didn’t already know.” Travis says, and it’s not even a lie, because Ryan didn’t say it, he just…kind of showed him the possibilities.  
Gabe hmms at him and Travis lets it go. He needs to find a nice girl soon, before all this mess gets messier.

~+~  
The thing is that it was Travis and Gabe, or Travis and William or Travis and William and Gabe. He never felt left out before. Before they hooked up. And it really isn’t just a hook up at all. Everyone who has eyes can fucking see that. It’s serious, for Gabe of course, because he even stopped fucking around with other people. And William, well, he is just fucking Ryan and Gabe knows and lets him. For whatever reasons.  
“Because he doesn’t love Ryan, he needs him,” Gabe had said the last time Travis asked again. And well, it might be a valuable reason, but it’s still something he doesn’t understand. And Travis is tired of everyone sounding like broken fucking records.

~+~  
“You look like shit,” Disashi says passing the joint to Travis.

“I feel like shit,” Travis says taking a hit. It’s Disashi he can tell Disashi that he is feeling like shit if he wants to, Disashi will not use it against him.

“So, it’s because Gabe and Bill hooked up?” Disashi is a clever and caring motherfucker, Travis thinks and says so too. “I know, it’s part of my magic.” Disashi answers.

“Yeah, fuck…it’s just disturbing.” Travis says and realises that he means it.

“The fucking?”

“No, the…” bruises he thinks, but it is kinda part of the fucking, so maybe it is like Disashi says? “Yeah, maybe.” He shrugs.

“You need to get over it or talk about it…”

“I am.”

“Not with me you idiot!” Disashi answers taking the joint back, Travis lets him, he has smoked enough anyway. He feels already better, maybe he can sketch something later.

“I can’t talk about this shit right now,” he says lying back on the couch.

“You need to sooner or later, if you ask me sooner is better than later.” Disashi replies, getting up from the couch.  
Travis thinks, yeah, he knows that. It will just get messier, maybe he can just get over this shit. It’s not like he could do anything about it anyway. Gabe is with William, that’s the truth and Travis is not a bitch and tries to get in their way, just because he misses his friends being with him.

~+~  
“So, you’re not okay with Gabe and me being together?” William formulates it as a question, but it really isn’t one. He is just being respectful or some shit. Because William is polite. Travis nods, it’s not really true either, but he doesn’t know how to say it. For a writer he is a real loser when it comes to words, he thinks. “It’s not the gay thing…because, well…”

“It’s not and you know that. Gabe knows that too, everyone knows that. Just because it isn’t my thing…I don’t mind that shit.” Travis says, resting his head on the back of the couch. He feels tired, he couldn’t sleep again. All this makes him feel restless and he doesn’t understand it at all.

“What is it then?” William asks, his voice soft, a voice that invites you to spill all your secrets. And Travis wants to.

“It’s that you are hiding something, you always were, it was okay, because…before…”

“Gabe didn’t know either.” William finishes for him and Travis nods. Yeah, that’s the problem. Gabe knows now and he doesn’t so it must be a trust issue.

“Yeah.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you.”

“It is. You don’t trust me, but you trust Gabe.” Travis answers a bit too sharply. William looks taken aback.

“He’s my…”

“Boyfriend.” Travis supplies.

“Yeah…” William answers, he seems like he doesn’t know what else to say. “I can’t…I don’t know what we can do to make this right again.” He says after a few seconds. Travis doesn’t know either, except the obvious thing.

“Ryan told his band…” he says, William looks sharply at him. His eyes hard.

“Ryan needs his band, Ryan fucks his band, Ryan loves his band. It’s the same thing with me and Gabe.”  
Travis keeps silent, even if he wants to say something stupid like: You don’t love me then? Because he knows that William doesn’t. He feels frustrated with himself.

“I need to be alone,” he says instead after a few minutes. William nods shortly, he doesn’t seem happy that Travis is throwing him out, but Travis honestly doesn’t care right now. He needs to think.

The club is full and loud and too hot. Travis wishes for William’s chilly body at his side, but that is over now, because William is sitting at the bar with Gabe. Travis is on his own. And he hates it, he doesn’t even know why the fuck he came here in the first place. Fucking Disashi he suspects.  
A girl catches his eye and he isn’t really interested, but she seems to be so he goes over and chats with her for a while. He knows that she wants him to fuck her, life is good after all…but somehow. Shit, he thinks, staring at her lips, he needs to get a grip on himself already.  
“Wanna go catch some air?” he asks, and she nods, he grabs her hand, it feels soft and warm under his fingers and pulls her with him through the crowd.

 

The air outside is warm and humid, and the small alley near the club is dark and perfect for shadowy sex with a complete stranger. She’s about to sink to her knees as he hears the voices, she does too, so she gets up in a hurry and he doesn’t follow her. Because he needs to stay here and well…

“I just think that we should tell him…” Gabe says. It’s not like he was eavesdropping, well he didn’t intend to, he was just here, about to get his cock sucked and then this has to happen.

“I don’t know…it’s like ever since Ryan, everyone knows…I just. This is not easy for me.” William answers, his voice soft but determinate.

“This is messing things up, I know that, okay? Don’t you think I know this? I was so fucking jealous of Ryan…I can’t even. I know how he feels.” Gabe answers, Travis can hear him take a drag of his cigarette, he is afraid to move.

“It’s not that I don’t trust him…”

“Yeah, right,” Gabe answers.

“Fuck you!”

“You know I’m right.”

“You just want to fuck him,” William accuses.

“What if? Wasn’t it you who said that there was no rule to just love one person? And besides, he wouldn’t anyway. So don’t get pissed off about nothing.”  
Travis thinks that it was Gerard who told him that actually, but he can’t correct Gabe now anyway, because they don’t even know he is there in the first place.

“He would maybe…if we weren’t…”

“You are not keeping me, fuck you! You never did what Ryan did.”

“How can you even be sure about it?”

“I know you,” Gabe answers and then there are the soft sounds of kissing. Travis holds his breath and then just fucking gets out of there.

~+~  
“Wanna watch a movie?” Gabe asks, sitting down on the couch. Travis needs to change the code on the fucking door, everyone can fucking come in as they please.

“I’m reading,” he answers.

“That’s not a real answer.”

“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Travis asks, he can’t forget the conversation he overheard a few nights ago. All the things they said, what William said, he can’t banish it from his brain.

“I could, you know that. But I want to be here.” Gabe answers shrugging.

“Why?”

“We’re friends, remember, and you sound like a girl right now.” Gabe says.

“Fuck you!” Travis answers too sharply, putting his magazine down on the table.

“What’s wrong with you?” Gabe wants to know. Travis shakes his head, he doesn’t know. He isn’t sure he wants to know.

“Fucking Ryan Ross,” he answers then. After all Ryan is messing with his head.

“What did he say?” Gabe asks, and he sounds a bit alarmed. Travis closes his eyes and thinks about this. He isn’t sure what the hell Ryan said, because Ryan really didn’t say anything in particular.

“Asked me if I wanted…” he begins and then stops, because he knows he doesn’t want that. He isn’t…

“What?”

Travis shakes his head again. “It’s so stupid.”

“Come on,” Gabe says. Travis opens his eyes and sits up straight, he turns to look at Gabe. Yeah, Gabe and he are friends, so he can tell him, besides this shit is driving him crazy. “Man, did he pull his shit on you? I know he does that from time to time with Frank, because he is a twisted bastard.” Gabe says.

Travis isn’t sure what Gabe is talking about, so he shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so.”

“What is it then?”

“He asked me if I wanted to be with you…or William for that matter.”

“Do you?”

“You know I don’t,” Travis answers.

“You sure about that?”

“I’m not like this. I actually really like girls.”

“Yeah, I do too, so does William…it’s just something else to be with him,” Gabe answers. Travis sighs, he heard that already.

“I’m sure, it’s not about me wanting to fuck you or Bill,” Travis says seriously.

“It’s still about the thing…”

“Yes, and I know that you want to…”

“What?”

“Fuck me,” Travis says.

“What?”

“I heard you…a few days ago…when you were talking to Bill, I heard you.”

“I wouldn’t. And you know that,” Gabe says.

“I know. I just…” Travis answers and doesn’t know how to finish that sentences, because there is the secret they’re keeping from him and there was that too. “I’m sick of the secrets,” he says finally.

“Man, me too. This shit is eating me up. And I can’t talk to anyone about this…because…”

“Yeah,” Travis says and lets Gabe lean against his shoulder and pets his hair.

“I wish things were different.”

“Yeah, me too,” Travis answers, closing his eyes.

~+~  
“This is not about you,” Travis says, his fingers resting around William’s wrist.

“I know that.”

“Maybe you don’t; he needs someone and I need…this is driving us crazy.”

“He wants you,” Bill says around his cigarette. Travis sighs.

“Would this change a thing? If I did?”

“You wouldn’t anyway.”

“Do I need to, so you’ll trust me?” Travis asks, William keeps quiet.

“No, I…no.” He answers after a moment. Travis nods.

“I know you are afraid, but whatever it is, I won’t judge. I know about you and Ryan and I’m not…” Travis wants to say that he doesn’t judge about that, but it would be a lie and they both know it.

“Yeah…” William says.

“You know it’s just because I don’t really understand, but I know that you are better with him. Calmer, and that he is with you too. I can see that and yeah, it’s a bit twisted, but it’s okay I guess, as long as you are happy with it. You’re my friends, so I try not to be an ass about this shit. And maybe it would be easier if I knew why you are doing it.”

“Maybe, or maybe you’ll never speak to me again,” William says, Travis leans his head against William’s chest and breaths his scent in. He always liked how William smells, somehow he always smells cleaner than the other guys.

“He is not serious about me, is he?” He asks into William’s shirt.

“No, I don’t think so… I guess he is just curious or something. It’s different with me…because…”

“I know, you are different, I just don’t know how. You don’t seem that different from the others, you just seem…” Travis stops he doesn’t know how to put it in words, maybe careful is the right word. So he says it.

“Careful, hmm? Yeah maybe.” William answers, taking another drag form his cigarette. Travis can feel him inhale. It feels nice.

“I like that you always feel chilly…” He mumbles and feels and hears William laugh at that.

“Yeah, Gabe likes that too.”

“I know. He can’t shut up about it. He can’t shut up about you,” He says softly and William shivers. It’s strange to know that he has some effect on William, something like that. He never noticed it before. Maybe because he wasn’t thinking about it.

“We should go back soon.”

“Yeah,” Travis answers, but he doesn’t let go of William’s wrist.

~+~  
William could never handle the sight of blood. It’s common knowledge among his friends, and they don’t mock, because he really gets all pale and weird about it to the point where Siska or Butcher needs to get him out the fucking room or wherever they are. Travis never really understood it, but he didn’t judge it either. They are all human after all and have weaknesses. Frank with his spiders and well Gerard with the needles and…they are only human, is the thing.

~+~  
“We agreed on this!” Gabe growls, as Travis enters the tour bus. He wasn’t expecting this. He was expecting them to be sitting on the couch, being all stupidly in love or some shit. Not this. Not this fight that is going on. Maybe he should just go back to his own bus and wait this out.

“Well, I changed my mind!” William yells back, his hands are clenched on his sides. Travis suspects it’s because he doesn’t want to do something stupid. (He would after all never hit a girl he was in love with and he thinks, Travis knows that, because he knows William, that the same goes with a boyfriend.)

“Guys?” Travis says in the stony silence.

“Maybe you should go…” William hisses in his direction. Well, that was his idea after all too.

“No! He should fucking stay, so we can get this over with. I have enough! You have someone you can talk to, I need someone too!” Gabe says.

“You could with Gerard, with Brendon, Jon, Spencer.”

“They are with Ryan!” Gabe answers as if that were an answer to what William is suggesting, and it’s clear as day that Gabe finds this suggestion shitty at best.

“Ryan is like me!” William says, stepping a few steps back, so he is leaning on the wall, away from Gabe.

“You are nothing like him!”

“I am!”

“What the fuck are you afraid of?!” Gabe yells and smashes his hand against the wall inches from William’s head.

“What Ryan is afraid of! What we all are…” he says and stops, looking at Gabe’s hand, Gabe has no time for this shit now.

“That he will hate you? The fuck!” Gabe answers and then looks down at his bleeding hand too. “Fuck!” He says with feeling.

“Take him out!” William hisses, not looking away from Gabe’s hand. Travis feels a strange sense of danger, and lust. Fucking blinding lust.

“William,” he says hesitantly and takes a step in his direction. William turns around and the look in his eyes lets the words die on his lips, his brain feels empty, he just knows that he wants…something, being closer, being…taken. He shakes his head. It’s not what he wants.

“OUT!” William screams. Travis snaps out of it, sees Gabe grabbing William’s arm, the blood on William’s pale skin, how William’s eyes snap from Travis to Gabe. He isn’t sure he wants to see more. “Out!” He says again and Gabe’s look is hard as he says it too.

Travis isn’t sure he knows what the hell just happened, but he knows that Brendon was talking about it. About that hypnotism. He was feeling that right now. And it felt wrong.

~+~  
In the evening, hours after, Gabe finds him. He is smoking a cigarette and staring at the dark sky.

“Man, I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck?”

“He doesn’t do it on purpose,” Gabe answers. Travis still doesn’t know what the hell William did to him. That is the problem.

“What was he doing?” Travis asks.  
Gabe seems uncertain for a few moments and then he says: “You are not allowed to freak out about this.”  
Great Travis thinks, just great. He is freaking out because he isn’t allowed to freak out about whatever it is that Gabe is about to tell him.

“Spill already. You are fucking freaking me out with this shit about not freaking out!” Travis says and Gabe laughs.

“Okay, so William is a vampire.” Gabe says.

“Well, that explains a thing or two.” Travis answers, taking a drag from his cigarette.

“What?”

“I said: That explains a thing or two.”

“I know what you said…but, aren’t you shocked?”

“What is shocking about that?” Travis wants to know. He knows he is taking this far too calmly, but what the hell can he say to that?

“I knew it,” Gabe says, laughing.

“So, all the blood thing?”

“Turns him on, it’s kinda creepy.”

“I guess….and that right now?”

“When he’s like this…he, I don’t know. It’s some vamp mojo. He needs his prey to surrender, so he does what he needs to do.”

“Great…and you…all the bruises and shit?”

“He drinks from me.”

“Right. Of course.” He wasn’t thinking about that part of the whole vampire thing. “And Ryan?”

“He fucks Ryan because he can let go with him.” Gabe answers, taking out his cigarettes and lighter.

“Because Ryan is like William. A vampire. That explains a thing or two too, about this whole Panic affair.” Travis says. Gabe sits down next to him. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“He was afraid. Besides who the hell would believe this shit?”

“Pete?” Travis asks.

“You can’t tell him, or anyone else.” Comes William’s soft voice from behind.

“You know I won’t. So, you are a vampire and you have kinky sex with Ryan, who is one too and you have some weird sex/blood mojo going on,” Travis says, it’s not really a question.

“Give me that cigarette,” William says sitting down on his other side. He gives William his cigarette and lights a new one for himself.

“That’s why you’re so chilly and why you can’t stand blood and why… all the other weird stuff, that isn’t weird for anyone who knows you.”

“Yeah,” William says, taking a deep drag and letting it out slowly again.

“That’s why you make me feel like I do,” Travis continues.

“I guess. I try to control it.”

“It’s just so you to say that shit. And feel all torn and guilty about it,” Travis says. He feels Gabe nod and then Gabe’s head on his shoulder.

“So, what are you going to do?” William asks, his voice soft and small.

“What do you think?”

“No idea…”

“We should get some pizza and play guitar hero. You don’t have mad vamp mojo you can use for that, do you?”

“You have seen him play…” Gabe throws in.

“Hey!” William exclaims. Travis can feel Gabe’s laughs on his skin.

“Thought so,” Travis says.

~end~


End file.
